Such a child

I think I'll unofficially ban myself from Vox's comment section for a good number of months, because I rather boldly crapped on the floor and made a fool of myself, so at the minimum, even if I am deluded into thinking I can contribute there, I just won't. I have demonstrated that, as of right now, I don't contribute anything of value, so instead of cluttering up the comments section on his blog, I'll just ruminate on stuff I want to respond to over here.

There is a movie coming out called Captain Marvel, which panders ideologically to the kinds of people who don't turn out in large numbers for movies like that. The philosophy comes from the venture capitalism/start-up world where folks are constantly trying to find and tap a market where nobody else is at, and so there are a lot of things tried and few of them really succeed, because it's hard to tell where there is an actual gap because nobody wants something, or because nobody has tried to fill the gap.

There was a comment in response to this movie which, while I can understand what they are trying to say, is somewhat revisionist and ignorant, lacking any necessary subtlety.

You can read the whole comment here, but the part I want to highlight is this section right here:

Remember - just 20 years ago, normal people would've thought there was something wrong with grown men spending so much time and money on wish-fulfilment fantasies for six-year-old boys.

Wish-fulfillment is not the problem. What is being wished for is, and if you miss out on this and what happened to cause the change, then you'll blame the wrong things and prescribe the wrong cure.

The earliest "job" I can remember desiring was to be a monster truck driver.

When I was that young, guns and cars and tales of heroism were of interest to me.

My children, even young, already show an interest in very similar things.

There are careers that are aligned with their interests, if I know how to steer them correctly into developing the skills to support them.

The thing is that, under healthy and normal circumstances, young boys wish to be grown men doing grown men things, shouldering responsibilities and saving the day. Playing with cool technology, slaying dragons, all sorts of things that, as a boy, they can dream about, but lack the maturity, strength, and experience to actually participate in.

The wish-fulfillment for six-year-old boys used to be about things that were laudable, but now that those things wished for are not, some folks will to pretend that the problem is the wish-fulfillment itself.

To resolve this issue, however, we can't just throw out wish-fulfillment. I've used the phrase "mothers plant, fathers prune" to demonstrate a balance that is necessary in raising children, and this would be an example of a father figure going "too far".

Fathers "prune" in the sense that many plants will not produce good fruit when they are investing resources in growing the branches and so forth. Fruit are, in general, how the plant ensures its survival, but if its survival isn't threatened, it won't produce as much fruit.

A specific example of this is with wine grapes. I learned from my mother, who as an empty-nester looked into winemaking, that when soil is rather fertile, that the grapes produced are quite bland and lackluster. It's when soil is more barren, when the plants are stressed, that the fruit they produce has the most sugars, intending to attract the most creatures to consume the fruit and then spread the seeds afar to ensure the survival of the plant species.

Now, prune too much of a plant, and it simply dies out completely. Further, if there is nothing ever planted, there won't be anything to prune to begin with.

Squashing the dreams and creativity of children, whether boys or girls, is not going to "fix" the problem of those children never growing up. What we have in that case is a failure to prune, to eliminate the growth which will not eventually produce good fruit, and so the plants grow wildly out of control.

Mothers need to plant, to inspire new opportunities, to explore new avenues, but that needs to be balanced by fathers pruning back when the direction is harmful or out of control. Both are necessary, both father and mother have very distinctive roles, and both need to be specialized in that role to do the best they can at it.

The wish-fulfillment of six-year-old boys is what inspires them to strive harder, to reach towards something they don't already have. I drive a somewhat ostentatious vehicle, and I often get reactions from young boys who think I drive a "cool car". I worked hard to get a career and while I was single had bought a sporty coupe which was fun to drive, and even married with kids I still daily drive that to and from work every day. It gets decent gas mileage for what it is, it's the most powerful car I've ever owned, and it even played a role in getting the attention of a lady who would become my wife, and the mother of my children.

And while it's no monster truck, I do have a truck up on jack stands awaiting my rebuilding of the transmission.

There was a time when the wish-fulfillment of the youths was associated with things that were obtainable, activities which were beneficial, and in becoming the best at what one already was or could be.

The perversion of that was in turning the dreams to be the best at what you are into something that you aren't. That's the problem, not that children have dreams, or that those dreams should be abandoned or crushed, but that culture plays a role in what those dreams are, and the knee-jerk reaction, the pendulum swing that overshoots, simply does not account for this subtlety.

We want boys to wish to be good fathers, honorable soldiers, devoted disciples of God. We want girls to wish to be good mothers, wise nurturers, and also devoted disciples of God.

We want the dreams and wishes for them to strive to reach for to be good things, and for them to achieve them, not quash the whole thing entirely because some people had nightmares instead.

The path forward to a stable future is not found in the wobbling and waving to try and regain a balance, a perpetual swinging from one extreme to another. We only delay the inevitable fall, expend great energy to deny the obvious, creating all the more embarrassment when all such efforts prove futile.

It's not found in extremes of planting anything and everything and leaving it to chance, or in pruning back anything and everything that doesn't already bear fruit.

Daily Bible Study: Proverbs 10:1

The proverbs of Solomon:

A wise son makes a glad father,
But a foolish son is the grief of his mother.

Proverbs 10:1 (NKJV).

We've gotten past the relatively more extensive narratives in Proverbs and enter into the portion of the book where there are much shorter little tidbits.

This passage speaks to the same dynamic as to why mothers want to hear from their kids, to know how their lives are going and so forth, while fathers are stereotypically less interested in such trivial affairs.

In movies and such, this has been a bit of a joke, a subtle jab at the "clueless" or father who is just minding his own business, whether the kids were little or all grown up. The father figure is detached not for a lack of caring, in capacity or capability, but by the nature of the relationships of the father in contrast with the mother and their children.

At childbirth, there is a literal chemical release inside the mother's body which creates a psychological bond with their child. The father never experiences this same type of bond, there is no obvious trigger to tell the male body to release the same chemical and form the same social bond.

For this reason, the bonding with men and their sons tends to come later in life, when shared activities are participated in. This performance-based bonding is still emotionally detached though, and so while the mother starts and never stops feeling the presence and strength of the bond between her and her children, the relationship with the father has just isn't ever the same, it isn't ever quite as "close".

The father is not tasked with the detailed care of children, though he still plays an important role, because his primary task is to bring home the resources that the mother needs to rely on in the raising of the children and the caring for the home.

These resources are essential to the dynamic of the family, and so the father has to detach himself from distractions and pondering the "what if" in order to focus on "what is" and do that as efficiently and effectively as possible. Men are, by nature and nurture, conditioned and prepared for dealing with terrible circumstances and being able to just shake it off. This comes at the price of being able to shake it all off, both the good and the bad, as is necessary in order to achieve a goal or complete a task.

Further, it's not that a mother is not happy about her son being wise, or that the father is not disappointed in a foolish son, but because the reactions of the father and mother at the different "ends of the wisdom spectrum" are the strongest at that respective end.

A wise son makes his father glad more than his mother. A foolish son pains his mother more than his father.

Fathers and mothers and their children have different relationships with each other and between one another, even if everyone is in harmony and living in the same household, the experiences are different, and so how people respond to your highs and lows will be different.

Keep that in mind when you next interact with your own parents, in how the distinct nature of your relationship with your father and your mother is unique. Appreciate the distinctions.

Daily Bible Study: Proverbs 1:8-9

My son, hear the instruction of your father,
And do not forsake the law of your mother;
For they will be a graceful ornament on your head,
And chains about your neck.

Proverbs 1:8-9 (NKJV)

There are at least three controversial concepts in just this very short passage that show up regularly in the Bible, some in obvious ways, some more overtly. They are:

1) A father and mother do different things.
2) Your father and mother both do important things.
3) Constraints make you better, not worse.

 The reason these are controversial is that the postmodern philosophies embraced by popular culture in at least the United States rejects all three of these things, and for a litany of reasons, all of which boil down to rebellion against God's order. Let's take them one by one.

1) A father and mother do different things.

In this passage, the father instructs. The word used in the original language is "musar", which is associated with "discipline, chastening, correction". For those who don't know, while the English language has a very large vocabulary, ancient languages often did not, and so the same word would have multiple meanings along a theme. You can see how those three concepts are reflected in "instruction", and yet there is a little something missing. To help explain, let's look at what the mother does.

For the mother, the word in the original language is "torah", which is associated with "direction, instruction, law". Can you see how these two different words are very close, but hold a different connotation? The father's role is active, where the mother's role is passive.

The one who prescribes the law does not necessarily enforce it, or provide the corrective action when it has been broken. When you look at the results of sexual dimorphism in physiology, or even in the stereotypes of the past found behind phrases like "just you wait till your father gets home", you can see how the dynamic of similar but distinct roles comes into play.

2) Your father and mother both do important things.

That leads us into the next part, where scripture is very clear that both dad and mom have different roles to play in a healthy family. Both are necessary. You can't have a healthy family without one or the other, and we've plenty of both anecdotal and verified data to show what happens when you try to raise children without one or the other.

This is where the idea of "equality" comes into play, in that people have a hard time understanding that disparate roles can have equal value. We often view the outcome as the criteria for determining "equality", or the difficulty in achieving a task, and so if the inputs or outputs are subtle or hard to see, it "feels" like there is an inequality in value because there is an inequality in those inputs and outputs.

Having worked in manufacturing environments for over a decade, I can explain in great detail that when your responsibility is to avert possible problems in the future, it becomes very tough to explain how the specific steps you've taken prevented an issue from manifesting. In the same manner, if a mother provides instruction to her children and they listen and obey, it can be deflating and anti-climactic, but this should not diminish the importance of her role in shaping that outcome.

This is why, much later on in the New Testament, Paul would emphasize that husbands bestow honor on their wives in understanding. While a father may get a lot of visibility in his more active role, and it will be more physically challenging, that does not make the role of the wife less important, and so husbands are to recognize this and adjust their behavior towards their wife to reflect this.

3) Constraints make you better, not worse.

This is one of the common and presumably paradoxical claims made throughout the Bible, and yet it speaks to a truth we can understand and see in everyday circumstances. A garden which is not tended to will become overgrown and filled with weeds. A building which is not mended will crumble and fall. A company with an unlimited budget will still somehow bankrupt itself and collapse.

If you do not guide a process intentionally, the results are based entirely on chance. So often we hear people discuss "freedom", as if it is an inherently desirable concept, that lacking constraints people would make better decisions and not be "held back" by restrictions on their behavior.

Yet the reality is that those restrictions produce refinement. The garden which is tended to will produce good fruits and aesthetic beauty. A building which is tended to will stand for generations. A company that learns to live with little resources will become efficient instead of wasteful.

A child whose behavior is directed will mature, and the restrictions which chafed them as a child will instead become the very mechanism by which their true value can manifest. When you meet someone who displays discipline, you don't see the restrictions, what you see is the resulting refinement that discipline brought about in that person.

This is why Solomon describes the teaching and correction of your father and mother in such favorable terms, because the result of that understanding and obedience will bring results that will be plainly obvious to those that are around you, in the same manner that there is an obvious difference between one who is finely ornamented and one who is not.

Embrace the constraints on your behavior that your father and mother put in place and held you to and do not be tempted to presume that they did so out of cruelty, but out of genuine love in order to help refine you into something better.